THE AC/DC CONSPIRACY, by an asshole called Robb Wagner

I'm not going to make any friends by writing this. all i can assure you, intrepid reader, is before all this is over, there will be a large portion of the music listening public screaming for my blood. that's alright though, because i feel that it's my duty as an american to blow the cover off this whole scam called AC/DC. trust me, this is for your own good.
I'll just lay it out flat for you; AC/DC sucks. Period. Yes, you read that right. Now before you start rifling off that hate mail that is already composing itself in your mind, just wait a second and hear me out. I actually have a good argument, and upon reflection, i'm confident you'll come to agree with it. Or you'll want to string me up by my balls in public, but we'll see. You people are so fickle.

I'll start with the most flagrant abuse that AC/DC has perpertrated. The songwriting department over at the AC/DC factory has pulled off the scam of the century. They've written exactly four songs total and have managed to market them over and over. AC/DC's put out like thirteen (million) albums, right? They've all sold millions. I can't fathom why. A person really only needs one AC/DC album. Then he has all four songs. Why spend your hard earned money to repeatedly buy the same album?

You're probably asking your self about exactly what are those infamous four songs right about now. Let me explain. Here is the list:
1. The fast song about sex. (i.e. "You Shook Me All Night")
2. The slow song about sex. (i.e. "Let Me Put My Love Into You")
3. The fast song about being naughty. (i.e."T.N.T.")
4. The slow song about being naughty. (i.e. "Hells Bells")

There you go. It's out there in print. Now can you deny it? I didn't think so.

If you are still sceptical about the four song theory, take a listen to "Who Made Who". Now, as soon as that song is over, play "Thunderstruck". It sounds like you just accidently hit the rewind button, doesn't it? You know, the repetitive hammer on run, the slowly fading in of a basic rythem, ad naseum. " Oh my god," you say," this is the same song," as the newfound enlightenment hits you full in the face. Don't feel bad. You weren't the only one who was fooled.

The next musical crime that i formally accuse AC/DC of is passing on the insidious disease, horribledrummeritis. This crime should be considered a class A felony. Horribledrummeritis is very contagious. It could spread into an epidemic of lousy, remedial timekeeping. Ideas like syncopation and polyrythem could become extinct. I shudder to think of the consequenses of not nipping this outbreak in the bud.

It appears, that AC/DC only ever recorded one drum track. Apparently, at their first rehearsal, the drummer, fresh out of his first ever drum lesson, was recorded playing the most rudimentary drum beat possible. You know the one, bass, snare, bass, snare. As generically 4/4 as one could possibly get. Then, over the years, the band simply took the track and speeded it up or slowed it down to fit the tempo of the rest of the song. I'm convinced that the drumtrack for "Stiff Upper Lip", released in 2000, was recorded in 1973.

Moving along, we come to the rest of the musianship. There isn't much to be said of Malcolm's playing. In fact, the only word I can find to describe it is "boring". He doesn't have enough prescence to be even annoying. The bass guitarist, whoever the fuck he is, is actually even more invisible than Malc, so we'll ignore him also. This leads us to good old Angus.

Angus Young, guitar god to many a disenfranchised youth. An over-grown schoolboy with a guitar. What I want to know is, how the fuck did this man become revered by so many guitarists around the world? I just don't see this whole "god" thing. I might be wrong, but I always thought that a guitar god would have to be original, talented, technically proficient, and creative. I didn't realize that copping the most generic rock-n-roll licks that have been played since the creation of rock-n-roll licks constituted godhood. I wasn't aware that the only keys possible on a guitar were a and sometimes e. It also was foreign to me that running around like a spastic mongoloid child on crystal meth was the true sign of one's guitar playing prowess. I guess i have a lot to learn.

Now all this being said, i would like to point out that AC/DC is the only band that I hate that I can also listen to with no complaint. I guess it is comforting to have some good standbys in life, kind of like the nerdy best friend you've had since kindergarten. You know they'll always be home on a saturday night when the girl you asked out stands you up.

I hope this expose will help the world recognize a scam when it rears its ugly head. this has gone on long enough, and it must be addressed. Please refer all death threats on my person to www.bushmado.com. I'll be hiding out in my bombshelter.

What do you people think? This can be found at http://www.bushmado.com/acdc.html

If Angus were to read this stupid essay he would say: "You know, he´s right for the most part, but we haven´t recordered the same 4 songs over and over again...it´s only ONE song!"

A kickass hard rocking song, I might add.

But that´s AC/DC and that´s how we like them. We´ll leave the experimentation to Nine Inch Nails and stuff like that. We just wanna our AC/DC!